and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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