Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
