I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
We smell like vodka and hangover
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