Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Vodka?
Forever.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
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