Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
