He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
