his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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