foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize