I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
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