and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize