I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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