she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
