I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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