It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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