The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
