I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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