The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
