I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
