It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
