I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
