I should be sponsored by Trojan
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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