Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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