don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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