my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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