Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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