Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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