I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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