the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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