I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
