Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
