so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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