I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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