Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize