you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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