i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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