i already hear my dad disowning me
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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