omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
