I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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