If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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