why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
