me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
