mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
