I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
We left the knife in your bed.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize