Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
