I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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