You smell like a Billy Joel song
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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