sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I think I won the penis lottery.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
