You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
