I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
