I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
