on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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