Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
