I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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