i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
