I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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