I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
