I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
