Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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