At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Randomize
